PRAIRIE

Since my divorce from Prairie's dad, it's been hard, on her, not me. She loves her dad so much and can't understand why he left her. He is now married again and I can't stand his new wife. There's a lot that goes along with that, but right now it's not important. Prairie has been in counseling since her brother died. I try my best to help her understand what happened to him and why he had to go to heaven. She's only 5 but I think she understands alot more than most.

Her dad and his new wife denied Cylas being his son. Prairie has said numerous times, "why did my dad and D get their wish?" "How come we didn't get our wish for Cylas to stay?" I don't know how to answer that question. I try my best not to be negative toward him but it's been hard. I have a lot of hard feelings toward him for what he said about Cylas and what he allowed his new wife, then girlfriend, to say about our son. I feel like he didn't want him here and I feel like it was his fault Cylas died. Deep down I blame him!!!!

Prairie is hurting and I don't know how to stop that hurt. As a mother I feel helpless. I don't want her to hurt. Today, however, she's going to the movies with her counsler and then later on she'll go on another trip with her. Prairie loves going to see Ms. L. I think it's good because she has someone to talk to other than me. She still misses Cylas, but knows that he'll always be in her heart and in her mind. She tells me the same thing, when I'm crying missing him too. We do a good job at comforting each other, but I don't know how we've done it. We are both still trying to find our normal.

I tell Prairie every minute of every day that I love her!!! I've just begun telling Teela that I love her. It's been there, but I've been cautious with that word when it comes to her. But I do love her. I love both of my girls!! I am very lucky to have them!!!

Prairie's Mom